Here's an article sassing back at spammers. It isn't written by me, so it's
hilarious IMO. It's also worth sharing because like anything else I don't write
but do share, it is not a chain letter forward. :)
--
Originally found at:
http://www.columbusdispatch.com/live/content/life/stories/2007/11/01/1A_BLUN01.ART_ART_11-01-07_D1_M08AL6T.html?sid=101
SO TO SPEAK
Listen up, spammers: Your e-mail is stale
Thursday, November 1, 2007 4:06 AM
By JOE BLUNDO
Welcome to the School for Spammers.
Through the years, I've noticed that e-mail spam, while impressive in volume,
keeps getting worse in quality. Even the Nigerian fraud letters no longer ring
with the false sincerity they once did.
So I've decided to offer a remedial course for spammers who might be wondering
why no one orders their fake Rolexes or falls for their bogus European Lottery
messages.
Here are answers to your elementary questions, spammers:
• Is e-mail in Russian an effective way to communicate with an English-speaking
audience?
No -- or, because you seem stubbornly wedded to the language, nyet.
Judging from my e-mail in-box, which resembles the Moscow phone book on any
given morning, you have not quite caught on to the fact that Americans don't use
the Cyrillic alphabet. You might as well be writing in Chinese. Oh, wait, you're
already doing that, too.
So here's tip No. 1: If you want to improve your communication skills, start by
writing in a language that your audience understands. Details matter, people.
• I get poor response to my hoax e-mail informing people they've won $75 million
in an obscure foreign lottery. Should I increase the phony prize money to $100
million?
No, because the next crook will falsely award $150 million and then you'll have
to up your phony jackpot to $200 million. Things could get out of control.
You might have better luck telling people that, for the low price of 49 cents,
you will never e-mail them about a fake lottery prize again.
• If I write "You will love this, Shaun" in the subject line, will you love it?
No. Especially if my name isn't Shaun.
• How effective is bad grammar in making my e-mail more believable?
It definitely beats those spam messages that consist of random numbers and
symbols. Other than that, I don't see it as a winning strategy.
If I'm literate enough to read e-mail, I'm probably literate enough to know that
great stock-market tips rarely come from people who write, "You're next
oppurtunity are now!"
Also, remember that it's difficult to simultaneously defraud people and amuse
them.
That's why this kind of message might not prove convincing: "Notice of Closing
Your Account: To protect your private, we have locked Account # 76245. Please to
reply us urgent."
• When trying to evade spam filters, is it better to write "p*nis" or "p#nis"?
You could spell it "p*#@$" and most guys would get your drift -- because it is
the official body part of the spam world. In other words, they're onto you.
If you decide to forge ahead anyway, watch your syntax. You might imagine that a
subject line reading "We're here for your p*nis" conveys caring and concern
about a man's well-being. But it could also be interpreted as a threat of
confiscation.
Guys are generally put off by that idea.
• Would you like to buy some herbal V1agr@ for only 99 cents a bottle?
Nyet.
Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist.
jblundo@dispatch.com
